Taking Care of MySelf

It's been challenging. My husband has lots of things going on with his body, and I am basically his only caretaker - driving him to the emergency room, picking up medication, doing my best to ease his pain. I don't want to go into any more detail.

What I am learning here is that I am in the mindset of my generation of women, i.e. it's our "job" to take care of husband, children, the whole darn world. That's me, super mom. And we're supposed to do it all cheerfully, lovingly and with compassion while putting ourselves second - or even fourth. If we have murderous thoughts, we are supposed to feel guilty.

I'm learning that thoughts of, "I want OUT." are natural, that I won't act on them, but feeling guilty about those thoughts only drains the energy more, and the resentment pops out at inappropriate and destructive times.

I was advised to come clean with my husband, whom I love DEARLY. He totally understood, which is one of the reasons I love him DEARLY. He encouraged me to take care of nurturing myself; promised that if I did, he would survive.

My dear friend and teacher, Debbie, asked me, "What do you love to do just for yourself?"

Well, today I asked myself that question and this is what I did.

I got in the car and drove aimlessly, knowing the gps would get me home when it was time. That simple activity with no purpose, no concrete result, was amazing. I so enjoyed seeing the beautiful hills, sheep, trees, homes I found myself driving through! I so enjoyed being alone. I remembered the times when I did that - just wandered, explored. I listened to the radio as I was driving - Prairie Home Companion, one of my favorite programs; then a program about polar bears. I stopped to use a restroom. When I came home, Steve was asleep. I did some work.

Maybe he'll get well. Maybe he won't. Maybe I'll learn to be less "attached" to his process. In the meantime, I can take an hour here or there to be selfish, to do something just for me and no one else. What a concept.

Dream about Carlos ( co-founder and teacher of Nia)

Dream – 2-19-2010

We were in a studio – quite plain – light and clean – no mirrors.

There were several students there – me and about 12 others. They were young men and women, maybe in their 20’s. I was as I am now. We were dressed in soft, light moss-green pants and tops.
Carlos was our teacher. He was wearing simple pants and top – soft, light tan. He stood in front of us. No music. No explanation. No ego-personality. He led us in qigong type movements, repeating the same sequence of movements several times in silence. I was standing in front of the other students. We were all facing Carlos. I followed Carlos closely, aware of detail of form. He didn’t do everything exactly the same each time. At one point, two or three students were whispering and giggling. Carlos continued the movements. He went and stood in front of them. They quieted.
The session ended when one of the students walked over to the wall, faced it and went into the yoga pose of the child. We followed one by one until we were all lined up that way.

Teaching Nia and the Chakras

I'm going through the Chakras in my Nia class. Today was Second Chakra (Sacral). Last week I invited them to look up info on the chakra. Today we went around the circle (12 counting me), said our names, gave one piece of info if we wanted to and told of ONE creative thing we did this morning. My creative input was how I put on make-up. When I do, I use my face as a palette and play with lots of different eyeshadow colors etc. Others spoke of what they had differently for breakfast, things they did in their gardens, how she helped a friend decorate her room and so on. Point is that daily life is just as creative as writing a masterpiece novel or painting a magnificent oil. Using the music from TransVision, we did a bit of the routine as is, and did a lot of our own thing. I have a way of having people move and stop and notice the picture they have created when they stop. At the end of each class, we go around and do "Body Gratitude" saying, "Thank you Body I feel...." I find doing this on a regular basis is excellent for awareness and for recognizing that Nia is something they want to continue having in their lives! I LOVE being a Nia Teacher!!