Saturday, September 10, 2011
I have an agreement with Debbie to write about what's going on with me - not just the "happenings" but how I'm feeling. This may be a one woman show. Maybe not. No pressure. I promised to have a script for her by November. So how can that happen? I woke up at about 4:30 AM with my head buzzing and buzzing with thoughts - mostly about the past. Experiences I've had. Thoughts about the experiences I've had. Judgements. Baba once told me that I had a very busy mind. Debbie once, actually more than once, told me I over analyze. Last night she told me to get into my feelings. Right now I'm free associating. Yeah. That's the way to go for now. Just write write write everyday. Don't worry about the end result. It will evolve - or not.
So what am I feeling right now at 5:10 AM in the blessed quiet of this room? Well, actually it's quite noisy. I have cotton in my ears to hold the radon water drops. I'm experimenting with this technique to rejuvenate the cilia in both inner ears. In some ways my hearing loss is annoying. I miss words. I compensate; sit closer; watch more intently.
Okay. Here it is. I'm living with this fascinating man. I am mostly quite fond of him. AND I'm often so ANNOYED by his behavior. Here's a list of what I find ANNOYING. That's a feeling. When I'm annoyed, actually angry, it feels like all the cells in my body are screaming, are jangling. My legs want to run away. My voice wants to scream. My fists want to pound. My feet want to stamp.
The list:
Teeth.
Swollen ankles and feet
Posture
Breaking agreements
Leaving lights on
Leaving the stove on
Leaving cupboards open
Leaving dishes and glasses around
Books
Papers
All the illness
Losing things
Arguing with me
Disagreeing with me
Interrupting me
Telling me what to do
Being late
How he handles money
Yuck. Now I'm feeling really yucky.
Okay, there must be some things I like about this guy. I'll make another list and see how that will make me feel.
The list:
His hair
His eyes
His general appearance.
His touch
His mind and the way he expresses himself
Exploring together
His sense of humor
Reading aloud
The way he supports and admires me
His work with new energy
Yeah. Steve is my best friend. He's the one I can really talk to. We've shared so much. I can be all the me's I am with him. I told him the other day that I have many personalities.
So how do I feel now? I feel a core of love. I also feel sort of sad. Don't quite understand that one. I'm feeling a bit bored...like I want to stop writing. Yeah. Sure Kaycheri. Run away. If I keep writing maybe I'll touch on some scary feelings.
I am scared. I'm just plain scared. That's a feeling I run away from. I'm feeling out of control. I'm scared that I'm not up to snuff. I'm scared of the snuff. So much death. Where did they all go? Where will I go? Is it just snuff? No one really knows. Well, it doesn't matter whether anyone does know. The thing is: I don't know and I HATE not knowing. Oh yeah, it's supposed to be exciting not to know. Well, right now, right this minute, I'm scared. I'm scared of being without Steve. I'm scared of being without me. Yeah. I'm scared of death. I'm scared of being helpless and weak. I'm scared of going deaf or blind or crippled or FAT. Oh how I'm scared of getting fat! When I see someone - and there are tons of someones who are FAT, I feel awful. What if I got like that? Even now, I sometimes wish I were lighter, less bumpy. Basically, I do like the body I'm in. It's strong, mostly flexible, nicely proportioned. I generally like the face and hair. So I'm scared that all that could change and that I could get FAT and crooked etc. etc. etc. Boy am I scared of the etcetera. SO, that's why I'm so mad at Steve. He's showing me some of the possibility that I might experience. I DON'T want anyone to have to take care of me the way I sometimes have to take care of him. I think I would rather be dead than that.
Okay. I've touched on some of the real stuff. I think I'll let myself off the hook for now. I'll write every day. That's my commitment. I'll do that for two weeks. Then I'll see what's next. I promised I'd have a script by November. I can do that. This is the first step.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Nothing
There are a number of terms to describe a particular way of being such as: Samadhi, being in the Vortex, being in the Zone. No term can replace the experience. It’s like reading the menu. You don’t have the experience until you eat or drink the food or drink. However, speaking or reading about this state of being can be a guide post to create the desire to get there and getting there.
Here is an excerpted article by Bob Klein from a system known as Zookenisis.
The Value of Nothing
NOTHING
“Nothing” simply means the natural functioning of the body and mind and the natural unfolding of one’s life and growth. When our body is working perfectly, we don’t usually notice it. It is usually only when something goes wrong that we pay attention to our bodies. When we are totally immersed in what we are doing, time flies by and we barely notice our effort. Joy then takes the place of struggle and our work is effortless.
“Nothing” is what makes the feats of an accomplished athlete seem so easy. Effortlessness is as much a result of a “mechanically efficient attention” as it is of an efficient body. If your attention is bound up or trapped in any way, the body cannot work well either. Most of us have experienced that we can do something better when no one is watching us. When we are being watched, our attention is caught up in the idea of looking good.
MIND AND BODY HARMONY
The body contains trillions of cells, each working harmoniously with the other. Yet each cell must deal with varying local conditions— concentrations of chemicals, the condition of its immediate neighbors, its own health, its proximity to the nearest blood vessel, etc. There is a natural cycle coinciding with the breath, which allows each cell to harmonize with the whole body and yet deal with its own local conditions.
One danger is the tendency on the part of a student is to brush aside the importance of this cycle in his/her rush to “progress.” The result may be permanent damage to the body. Students may try to energize an area of the body, adding more and more chi, without giving the cells time to integrate this increased energy into the system. This attitude of “more is better” can “blow the cells away,” and tear apart the meridian system. The entire body is in a delicate balance. Increased energy in one area must be counterbalanced in other areas, and this takes time.
The mechanism which coordinates this cellular cycle is what we call “attention.” In “primitive” societies, the patterns of attention were equally influenced by the biology of the body and by the natural ecology of the surroundings. Since his own cells (his own biology) had arisen from and were part of the natural environment, these two influences on the patterns of attention meshed perfectly. In more “civilized” cultures, the influence of nature is replaced by the influence of our concepts and ideas - the thinking mind. Since ideas can be freed from any ecological considerations, the influence of the mind and body on attention does not necessarily mesh well. In fact, it usually causes great conflict. This conflict is the enemy of “nothing.”Thus “nothing” is not a state of oblivion or a lack of action. It is a very active state. The state of conflict in which attention is trapped by patterns of thinking and attitudes inhibits that action.
LEARNING NOTHING
When students are told that they will feel nothing when they move correctly, they feel cheated.
Sometimes something inside the students will click and they will begin moving “from the gut.” Their usual awareness — the force that usually directs their actions — has stepped aside.
Their actions seem to be automatic, coming from “nowhere.” After they stop, a dumb-founded look comes upon their faces and they ask, “How did I do that?” Even in a form, when students’ postures are corrected and they feel an “emptiness” (lack of strain to hold themselves up), they don’t necessarily welcome that feeling. The lack of strain can be disturbing. Yet it is the basis of true balance, or “Nothing.”
THE RICHNESS OF NOTHING
It is what is left after all the nonsense is gone. It is filled with wisdom, inner knowledge and great skill. It is the intelligence of each cell of the body, with all its genetic memories, uniting without conflict and without hesitation. Once you tap that infinite reservoir of knowledge, your own body becomes your teacher. You realize that your instructor was not really your master, but only a guide to bring you to the real master. “Nothing” has become the basis for your training and for your whole life. “Nothing” is a treasure trove of riches. When attention can quiet down and sink into the biological organism (your body), you can feel the health and the intelligence of each body part and how it all works together.
THE EFFECT OF NOTHING
And by doing this, you can also feel the environmental influences that balance the activities of your individual biology. When attention is patterned after this balance, many changes take place in your perception of who and what you are. The result is basic changes in your understanding of what you are doing here on this earth. You have regained the evolutional wisdom embedded in each cell of the body. When the student returns to his form of activity, it is this effortless balance of the natural forces on attention that guides his actions. The thinking mind no longer controls his movements or intentions. The student feels uncomfortable in this situation. He must trust that this new origin of activity knows what it is doing and is reliable. This is, of course, a very presumptuous attitude, but it is hard not to feel that way. It is presumptuous because something inside you doubts that the power of nature herself, which is inside you, can’t be trusted and that your little thinking mind knows more. When you are acting spontaneously, you don’t know what will happen next. Or rather, the mind doesn’t know what will happen next because it is not calling the shots.
YOU ARE NOTHING
The more the student allows “nothing” to call the shots, the more he appreciates its wisdom. He can sense how it works and begins to understand its “reasoning.” Of course this reasoning is not thinking, but a more basic, underlying type of intelligence. The next transition of the student is to accept this realm, this experience of intelligence, as his true nature and to realize that thinking is just an activity— not one’s true identity. The student has used the currency of conflict to buy the treasure of his own self, hidden underneath the conflict. He is now the wealth of nothing. The teaching of “nothing” is a subject of the greatest complexity and importance.
Here is an excerpted article by Bob Klein from a system known as Zookenisis.
The Value of Nothing
NOTHING
“Nothing” simply means the natural functioning of the body and mind and the natural unfolding of one’s life and growth. When our body is working perfectly, we don’t usually notice it. It is usually only when something goes wrong that we pay attention to our bodies. When we are totally immersed in what we are doing, time flies by and we barely notice our effort. Joy then takes the place of struggle and our work is effortless.
“Nothing” is what makes the feats of an accomplished athlete seem so easy. Effortlessness is as much a result of a “mechanically efficient attention” as it is of an efficient body. If your attention is bound up or trapped in any way, the body cannot work well either. Most of us have experienced that we can do something better when no one is watching us. When we are being watched, our attention is caught up in the idea of looking good.
MIND AND BODY HARMONY
The body contains trillions of cells, each working harmoniously with the other. Yet each cell must deal with varying local conditions— concentrations of chemicals, the condition of its immediate neighbors, its own health, its proximity to the nearest blood vessel, etc. There is a natural cycle coinciding with the breath, which allows each cell to harmonize with the whole body and yet deal with its own local conditions.
One danger is the tendency on the part of a student is to brush aside the importance of this cycle in his/her rush to “progress.” The result may be permanent damage to the body. Students may try to energize an area of the body, adding more and more chi, without giving the cells time to integrate this increased energy into the system. This attitude of “more is better” can “blow the cells away,” and tear apart the meridian system. The entire body is in a delicate balance. Increased energy in one area must be counterbalanced in other areas, and this takes time.
The mechanism which coordinates this cellular cycle is what we call “attention.” In “primitive” societies, the patterns of attention were equally influenced by the biology of the body and by the natural ecology of the surroundings. Since his own cells (his own biology) had arisen from and were part of the natural environment, these two influences on the patterns of attention meshed perfectly. In more “civilized” cultures, the influence of nature is replaced by the influence of our concepts and ideas - the thinking mind. Since ideas can be freed from any ecological considerations, the influence of the mind and body on attention does not necessarily mesh well. In fact, it usually causes great conflict. This conflict is the enemy of “nothing.”Thus “nothing” is not a state of oblivion or a lack of action. It is a very active state. The state of conflict in which attention is trapped by patterns of thinking and attitudes inhibits that action.
LEARNING NOTHING
When students are told that they will feel nothing when they move correctly, they feel cheated.
Sometimes something inside the students will click and they will begin moving “from the gut.” Their usual awareness — the force that usually directs their actions — has stepped aside.
Their actions seem to be automatic, coming from “nowhere.” After they stop, a dumb-founded look comes upon their faces and they ask, “How did I do that?” Even in a form, when students’ postures are corrected and they feel an “emptiness” (lack of strain to hold themselves up), they don’t necessarily welcome that feeling. The lack of strain can be disturbing. Yet it is the basis of true balance, or “Nothing.”
THE RICHNESS OF NOTHING
It is what is left after all the nonsense is gone. It is filled with wisdom, inner knowledge and great skill. It is the intelligence of each cell of the body, with all its genetic memories, uniting without conflict and without hesitation. Once you tap that infinite reservoir of knowledge, your own body becomes your teacher. You realize that your instructor was not really your master, but only a guide to bring you to the real master. “Nothing” has become the basis for your training and for your whole life. “Nothing” is a treasure trove of riches. When attention can quiet down and sink into the biological organism (your body), you can feel the health and the intelligence of each body part and how it all works together.
THE EFFECT OF NOTHING
And by doing this, you can also feel the environmental influences that balance the activities of your individual biology. When attention is patterned after this balance, many changes take place in your perception of who and what you are. The result is basic changes in your understanding of what you are doing here on this earth. You have regained the evolutional wisdom embedded in each cell of the body. When the student returns to his form of activity, it is this effortless balance of the natural forces on attention that guides his actions. The thinking mind no longer controls his movements or intentions. The student feels uncomfortable in this situation. He must trust that this new origin of activity knows what it is doing and is reliable. This is, of course, a very presumptuous attitude, but it is hard not to feel that way. It is presumptuous because something inside you doubts that the power of nature herself, which is inside you, can’t be trusted and that your little thinking mind knows more. When you are acting spontaneously, you don’t know what will happen next. Or rather, the mind doesn’t know what will happen next because it is not calling the shots.
YOU ARE NOTHING
The more the student allows “nothing” to call the shots, the more he appreciates its wisdom. He can sense how it works and begins to understand its “reasoning.” Of course this reasoning is not thinking, but a more basic, underlying type of intelligence. The next transition of the student is to accept this realm, this experience of intelligence, as his true nature and to realize that thinking is just an activity— not one’s true identity. The student has used the currency of conflict to buy the treasure of his own self, hidden underneath the conflict. He is now the wealth of nothing. The teaching of “nothing” is a subject of the greatest complexity and importance.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Life
I realize that anything and everything is a metaphor. As I sit and play free cell and spider solitaire on my computer at 3 or 4 am, I am discovering profound life lessons, just as profound as when I read books by well known authors. Isn't that odd? Isn't it odd that scrubbing pots can be as profound as doing surgery. Oh well, I could possibly save someone's life if I was a surgeon, and maybe that would have a greater or more useful effect, but would it really in the grand scheme of things? I've spent so many hours attempting to be useful, to have a really useful function, to heal or nurture; and perhaps, just perhaps, it's not something to measure. Perhaps I don't have to be so special! Anyhow, I continue to teach the few students who come to my classes, and whether or not they're getting something from the classes (and I know they are)I always do. Lately I've been working about 6 hours a week at the library; mostly shelving books, Dvds, music tapes. It's hard on the knees, but I'm enjoying the hell out of that. In fact, I'm enjoying the hell out of life these days. One of the main things I'm doing is getting my finances organized so I can just stop fretting about owing credit card companies. Fretting won't change the situation I've gotten into. Neither will beating myself up about it. I'm a great worrier. Well, I can just accept that and stop worrying about worrying. What a concept. The earth will continue to rotate on its access whether I worry about it or not. I could choose to simply enjoy my activity of worrying - watch the brain synapses. Breathe.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Update
Much has happened since I wrote on this blog. I will write more later today (September 1, 2010). Right now, I just want to say that I have just completed a 21 day activity of writing that has been most useful. I will continue the process. At this moment, I'm dealing with a number of "issues." More later!
Monday, August 2, 2010
Certainty of Purpose
There was never any doubt in my mind and heart that I desired to play the roles of a partner, a mother, a performer, a dancer, a yogini, a teacher, a writer and an editor. When I occupy myself in these activities, my heart sings clearly and simply. Other activities which I have done are not always so clear. I do some things in order to support myself and my family financially. I do some things because I think I ought to, that there are those who need my services. There are some things I do that have elements of both factors, i.e. a singing heart and a sense of obligation. When an activity has both, or several elements, I find myself to be somewhat “stuck”.
In particular, at this time, I’ve somehow gotten myself to create a system I call “The Gentle Way to Fitness.” I am using this system in my classes and I now have a series of cable TV appearances on DVD. The next logical step is to expand into the commercial world, either through self-production or through an established producer. I tell myself that this would be of service. I also tell myself that it isn’t necessary, that the world and those in it will survive and thrive with or without my contribution. In the past, I didn’t have these conversations. I simply auditioned for roles, practiced yoga, dance, qigong, Nia and other forms of movement joyfully. I prepare for my Nia, GWF and yoga classes with enthusiasm and when I’m teaching, I am in a state of love and gratitude. The poems and plays and articles I’ve written were done with ease and excitement. Yes, I’ve played the game at times of wondering if I’m “good enough”, and those games never stopped me from going for it.
I’m not certain why I’m so full of hesitation about the present project. I’m not certain if I should bypass my hesitation and just plow on. After all, I did years and years of “jobs” that weren’t necessarily my heart’s desire. It was necessary, so I did it. I found ways to do what I thought I had to do.
I pray that I receive guidance. In the meantime, I will do what I do, being open to receive direction from my heart, my higher self, the All That Is. Those messages sometimes come from the most unexpected places. I am listening.
In particular, at this time, I’ve somehow gotten myself to create a system I call “The Gentle Way to Fitness.” I am using this system in my classes and I now have a series of cable TV appearances on DVD. The next logical step is to expand into the commercial world, either through self-production or through an established producer. I tell myself that this would be of service. I also tell myself that it isn’t necessary, that the world and those in it will survive and thrive with or without my contribution. In the past, I didn’t have these conversations. I simply auditioned for roles, practiced yoga, dance, qigong, Nia and other forms of movement joyfully. I prepare for my Nia, GWF and yoga classes with enthusiasm and when I’m teaching, I am in a state of love and gratitude. The poems and plays and articles I’ve written were done with ease and excitement. Yes, I’ve played the game at times of wondering if I’m “good enough”, and those games never stopped me from going for it.
I’m not certain why I’m so full of hesitation about the present project. I’m not certain if I should bypass my hesitation and just plow on. After all, I did years and years of “jobs” that weren’t necessarily my heart’s desire. It was necessary, so I did it. I found ways to do what I thought I had to do.
I pray that I receive guidance. In the meantime, I will do what I do, being open to receive direction from my heart, my higher self, the All That Is. Those messages sometimes come from the most unexpected places. I am listening.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Private Class
I didn't intend a private class, but since only one student showed up for the Nia class I was subbing, that's what happened; and it was really gratifying. She said she wanted to work on her stamina - something I need to pay attention to also. I also helped her "get" a couple of steps she has difficulty with: cha cha cha and jazz square. I really like helping people (and myself) with detail and with pacing.
Thinking about the word "substitute." It's rather ridiculous to think in terms of substitute and preparation when this is always IT, i.e. NOW and therefore a much richer experience.
I'm feeling like when I'm teaching, I'm connecting on an energetic level. It was hot hot hot today. I am SO grateful for our little apartment pool and for the shower and the fan in our apartment. We don't have an air conditioner, nor do we have any plans to obtain one.
Thinking about the word "substitute." It's rather ridiculous to think in terms of substitute and preparation when this is always IT, i.e. NOW and therefore a much richer experience.
I'm feeling like when I'm teaching, I'm connecting on an energetic level. It was hot hot hot today. I am SO grateful for our little apartment pool and for the shower and the fan in our apartment. We don't have an air conditioner, nor do we have any plans to obtain one.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Class
I had a good talk with Karri Wynn and my interest in producing a DVD etc. has been reignited. Also, there is someone who wants to teach The Gentle Way to Fitness. SO, I'm going to start writing more on this blog about the classes - what's working, what isn't.
I had a small class this morning and asked for feedback. We don't have a mirror in this room and one of the students said she would prefer it if I did ALL the teaching facing the class. I can see that this might be a good idea. I also use circles a lot. It keeps the energy solid. This same student said she really likes the way I do hip movements. My focus was chakra energy. I am very comfortable with the concept of chakras, because I have many years of study and practice with them. In terms of other teachers, it would be good for me to be very specific in my lesson plans or teacher dvd's. Also in terms of dvd for the public, I must remember to "assume nothing"!
I had a small class this morning and asked for feedback. We don't have a mirror in this room and one of the students said she would prefer it if I did ALL the teaching facing the class. I can see that this might be a good idea. I also use circles a lot. It keeps the energy solid. This same student said she really likes the way I do hip movements. My focus was chakra energy. I am very comfortable with the concept of chakras, because I have many years of study and practice with them. In terms of other teachers, it would be good for me to be very specific in my lesson plans or teacher dvd's. Also in terms of dvd for the public, I must remember to "assume nothing"!
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