I have an agreement with Debbie to write about what's going on with me - not just the "happenings" but how I'm feeling. This may be a one woman show. Maybe not. No pressure. I promised to have a script for her by November. So how can that happen? I woke up at about 4:30 AM with my head buzzing and buzzing with thoughts - mostly about the past. Experiences I've had. Thoughts about the experiences I've had. Judgements. Baba once told me that I had a very busy mind. Debbie once, actually more than once, told me I over analyze. Last night she told me to get into my feelings. Right now I'm free associating. Yeah. That's the way to go for now. Just write write write everyday. Don't worry about the end result. It will evolve - or not. So what am I feeling right now at 5:10 AM in the blessed quiet of this room? Well, actually it's quite noisy. I have cotton in my ears to hold the radon water drops. I'm experimenting with this technique to rejuvenate the cilia in both inner ears. In some ways my hearing loss is annoying. I miss words. I compensate; sit closer; watch more intently. Okay. Here it is. I'm living with this fascinating man. I am mostly quite fond of him. AND I'm often so ANNOYED by his behavior. Here's a list of what I find ANNOYING. That's a feeling. When I'm annoyed, actually angry, it feels like all the cells in my body are screaming, are jangling. My legs want to run away. My voice wants to scream. My fists want to pound. My feet want to stamp. The list: Teeth. Swollen ankles and feet Posture Breaking agreements Leaving lights on Leaving the stove on Leaving cupboards open Leaving dishes and glasses around Books Papers All the illness Losing things Arguing with me Disagreeing with me Interrupting me Telling me what to do Being late How he handles money Yuck. Now I'm feeling really yucky. Okay, there must be some things I like about this guy. I'll make another list and see how that will make me feel. The list: His hair His eyes His general appearance. His touch His mind and the way he expresses himself Exploring together His sense of humor Reading aloud The way he supports and admires me His work with new energy Yeah. Steve is my best friend. He's the one I can really talk to. We've shared so much. I can be all the me's I am with him. I told him the other day that I have many personalities. So how do I feel now? I feel a core of love. I also feel sort of sad. Don't quite understand that one. I'm feeling a bit bored...like I want to stop writing. Yeah. Sure Kaycheri. Run away. If I keep writing maybe I'll touch on some scary feelings. I am scared. I'm just plain scared. That's a feeling I run away from. I'm feeling out of control. I'm scared that I'm not up to snuff. I'm scared of the snuff. So much death. Where did they all go? Where will I go? Is it just snuff? No one really knows. Well, it doesn't matter whether anyone does know. The thing is: I don't know and I HATE not knowing. Oh yeah, it's supposed to be exciting not to know. Well, right now, right this minute, I'm scared. I'm scared of being without Steve. I'm scared of being without me. Yeah. I'm scared of death. I'm scared of being helpless and weak. I'm scared of going deaf or blind or crippled or FAT. Oh how I'm scared of getting fat! When I see someone - and there are tons of someones who are FAT, I feel awful. What if I got like that? Even now, I sometimes wish I were lighter, less bumpy. Basically, I do like the body I'm in. It's strong, mostly flexible, nicely proportioned. I generally like the face and hair. So I'm scared that all that could change and that I could get FAT and crooked etc. etc. etc. Boy am I scared of the etcetera. SO, that's why I'm so mad at Steve. He's showing me some of the possibility that I might experience. I DON'T want anyone to have to take care of me the way I sometimes have to take care of him. I think I would rather be dead than that. Okay. I've touched on some of the real stuff. I think I'll let myself off the hook for now. I'll write every day. That's my commitment. I'll do that for two weeks. Then I'll see what's next. I promised I'd have a script by November. I can do that. This is the first step.